Okay, now sit down now, boys and girls - it's story time! Shhhh....
Once upon a time, billions of years ago, there was nothing and something at the same time, but the something had no matter and no energy and was called God. Suddenly, magically, the nothing and something without matter or energy created matter and energy. That something is called \"Light and Dark\". Can you say \"light and dark?\" I knew you could. Later, the magic something and nothing named God created the Earth. The Earth was made of rock. Inert and lifeless, but still magical. And then, magically, the nothing and something named God made water form in the sky above the rock, and also on the rock. The waters above the sky didn't rain at first, but later rained on the rock for forty days and forty nights, which destroyed everything.
One day the magic something and nothing magically formed into animals. Can you say \"animals?\" I knew you could. Well do you know what happened then? That's right! The animals magically became ALIVE. So anyway, these magic animals magically found something to eat, because the magic something/nothing magically created plants. Then, magically, the magic animals found more animals to marry, who had been magically created for them, and they had a whole bunch of magical little animals exactly the same as them, with no mutations. Eventually the magical something/nothing magically created two humans and magically created waves in the air that would be interpreted as sound to tell the humans not to touch a magic tree. Then some other magic something and nothing that had always and not always existed made the humans eat from that tree, so the magic being created a lot of evil even though he couldn't. Eventually, he destroyed everything except for a few animals. If something is alive, it came from those few animals that survived the something and nothing's magic flood! Well, more time went on. Finally the waters fell and some of these animals magically evolved - can you say \"evolved?\" I knew you could - some of these animals magically evolved faster than has ever been witnessed or can ever be expected, and created every species in the world today within a single generation or so. They also magically spread across the world such that certain species only appear in certain places, and offer no sign of the original spread from the ship; instead, the nature of animals found in the world is consistent with the Theory of Evolution, but the Theory of Evolution is magically false.
Some of the animals from the ship were apes. And do you know who those apes are? That's right! They're YOU and ME! We are the magic apes made originally from dirt by a magic something/nothing! And you know what else? Someday we'll go up and up and join with the magic something/nothing at his house in Heaven. Now take a nap.